I have a Confession

I have a Confession

I have a confession to make –

I love social media. I use social media to post about my training, to read about other’s training, to be inspired and motivated, to hope that I can inspire atleast one person into realizing that they can redefine their impossible too, to get a boost from kudos, to learn from others when they post about their experiences and thoughts, to … you get the drift. I love social media and consider it part of my training repertoire.

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But social media also has the reverse effect. Sometimes I feel … off.

When I don’t have a goal race and I see others posting bib numbers and their training, I look forward to cheering everyone but also down for myself; even though it was MY choice not to have a goal race.

When I see the effort and fun that others are putting in towards that goal, I get excited for them but I feel lost because I’m only exercising without a goal; even though it was MY choice to step back until Fall of this year. 

When my friends and training partners run or ride long, I am filled with admiration on how they are moving one step closer to their dream, but I feel like I’m being “lazy”; even though it was MY choice to take on my work and other family commitments. 

As a forever slow runner, I have learnt not to compare myself to others and I’m usually very good at it. Everyone’s abilities are different and everyone is on their own pace and path. I love to run (and ride) and I don’t care if I’m the sloth out there when everyone is done and gone. I’m just thankful to be able to and to enjoy it. 

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But this time, I get an overwhelming feeling of wanting to run away and not know what the rest of the world is doing or care about it.

A feeling of wanting to jump in and join everyone but not being able to.

A wave of frustration as I look back on my own path or when I look ahead (although looking too far ahead is never a good idea when you have wild ideas and I know that I’m completely missing the picture when I look back and get frustrated.)

A mixture of legitimate reasons with extra real-life involvement and flimsy grasping-at-air excuses to hide away.

And I have no idea what brought on this non-motivation, because like I said – it is MY choice to step back and not forced to by injury or something worse.

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Maybe it is a phase.
Maybe something is changing in me and I need to give myself a shake and jump back in.
Maybe it needs me to remind myself more than ever that it is my life, my path, my race, my pace. 

Or Maybe I just need to ride the wave and take time off and only start over again when my heart, mind and body is willing.

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Either way, it’s a very very strange place for me to be in and I long for the day that I’ll get overexcited with social media postings and peer pressure for races and formulate new plans and goals and adventures.

Until then … 

Just Keep Swimming

 

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