I have not written much over the past 2 weeks (I have written nothing the past 2 weeks) and before I start back writing again, I have a few confessions in January. Some lightweight, some heavy. What is that they say about writing things down to feel better?

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FUCK CANCER

I have had a very very heavy heart this month. 
F CANCER. The number of people I’ve seen it affect this past month and two to the other end of hope, I want to bury my head in the sand and only think happy thoughts. I want to envelop them in hugs and help with pain and loss and acceptance, but my only place is to offer thoughts and prayers from afar.

When I desperately want to comfort my friend

My very dear friend is in a pickle of a work situation. The problem solver in me wants to make it all better, I want to do something, I want tell my friend to Eff it all and start afresh, but I know that’s not possible. I want to be there and help shoulder the stress, but my introverted friend won’t accept that. There’s nothing I can do but love and support when my friend is open to accepting it.

When I failed in my resolution

I started a clean eating resolution on Christmas Eve (I find it Christmas Eve to be my magic start date for things to stick). It helped that Carrie organized a support group for everyone. I did great and really didn’t have too many issues sticking to it. Until Jan 19th.

It was the Friday after a whole bunch of snow days and I was working in a different role than my usual, a more physically demanding role. The stress and the fatigue made me throw everything out and I broke the resolution. I got back on for the weekend but then more late days on Tuesday and Wednesday found me going right back to the bad habits. I clearly have some work there to do.

cupcakes
At 5:30pm on a Friday evening, with nothing else to eat and atleast another hour of work left – cupcakes were heaven. Damn the sugar, damn the processed goods

When my workouts were an added stress

When all the extra work stress started out, I tried to squeeze in my workouts. But as I waded deeper into it, I actually started enjoying  what I was doing. But it was just consuming me 24/7 and the workouts were an added stress on me. I could not imagine going out for 2hrs for a run leaving work and family behind. This all comes down to better planning – I could’ve made changes anticipating my work levels and the commitments I had with my kids.

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I don’t think I’ve seen this many reds in ever except when I’ve been sick!

When I still have no race to target

I had thought that by the end of January I would’ve had a fall race picked up to target. But I’m still all over about it. I want to do so many things but there hasn’t been one all consuming goal that has stood out for me (other than pursuing the goal that I missed). There’s New York City Marathon that I will be running with Marathon Tours, but I want to enjoy that race vs. focus on a time goal and not miss out on a great experience.

Even though I don’t have an all consuming goal, I’m discovering that I find peace in maintaining a base of 20-25 miles/week with lifting 2-3 times/week. So when people ask, “what are you training for?”, they likely don’t believe my truthful answer,”I don’t know. I haven’t signed up for anything. I’m trying to figure it out.” But then as my old coach Mike retorted when I said the same thing to him (meeting him at a social after almost 2 years!) – When has that ever stopped me.

Writing it all out makes me feel a bit better, like I can move on. I liked it much better when all that I had to worry about was being obsessive about getting my runs in and chauffeuring my kids around.  

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These are some of the weekly linkups hosted by great bloggers. Check out some of the posts in the linkups.

Monday
Meatless Monday – Confessions of a Mother Runner and A Whisk and Two Wands
Tuesday
Tunes Tuesday (first Tuesday of the month) – KookyRunnerRun With No Regrets and RunSteffRun
Tuesdays on the Run –No Guilt LifeMCM Mama RunsMarcia’s Healthy Slice
Wednesday
Running Coaches Corner – Running on HappySuz LyfeCrazy Running Girl and Coach Debbie Runs
Friday
Friday Five 2.0 –Running on Happy and Fairytales and Fitness

 

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January Runfessions – 5 things that’ve kept me from blogging this fortnight
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  • You have a lot on your plate, be kind to youself. Its okay to not be running or eating amazingly 100% of the time.

    • I agree. It was only after I gave up trying to have the perfect week that half the stress lifted.

  • Andrea Signor

    Aw man. I feel like you and I are on the same wavelength. I have no words of wisdom, but I hope things turn around quick for you and your loved ones. Hang in there!

  • Rachel

    So many hugs to you, girl. Chin up, things will improve. And FUCK CANCER.

    • Thanks. If there’s a stronger word than duck, I’d use it.

  • Michelle@Running with Attitude

    I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with a heavy heart. I hope things turn around for you soon.

    • Thank you. I hope so too. I want to hear a story of people fighting and winning.

  • The Accidental Marathoner

    Well what a shitty past several weeks you have had! I’m so sorry for that, and especially because of all of the sadness and grief you have had to deal with in recent months. Here’s to much better things ahead for you and all whom you love!

  • Seems like the new year has been rocky for a lot of people. I hope things turn around for you. Go for a run, it’s like therapy… and don’t sweat anything else.

    • I finally got in some runs, it is therapeutic.

  • Kimberly

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a few bad weeks this month. I’ll definitely be keeping all of your friends affected by cancer in my thoughts and prayers.

    I also have work to do in clean eating. Let’s just say I’ve never seen a cupcake that I didn’t like!

    • Thank you, Kimberly
      Your cupcake line made me laugh. I agree 🙂

  • Nicole

    Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling – sounds like you have a lot on your mind! Hope things turn around!

  • Cancer does suck. As does work stress. I have to do my workouts in the morning, otherwise I would feel pressure over leaving work, fixing dinner,etc. I hope the next fortnight is better for you. 😉

    • I’m the same with morning workouts, but late nights play havoc with that.

  • Hannah

    I’m sorry for the extra stressors in your life right now—writing it all out and expressing it does help! Thank goodness for blogging!!

    • I really felt better after writing. Thank you

  • thegaboronerunner.com

    That sounds like a lot of stress 🙁 Sorry to hear that but really glad writing it out helped a little bit. I wouldn’t have turned down those cupcakes either 😉

    • Writing did help. And cupcakes too, even though I felt nasty the next day.

  • Sorry for all the stressors wreaking havoc. Hope things get better…take care 😉

    • Thank you. I wish we had some clue to what causes cancers 😡

  • I’m so sorry the last few weeks have been tough. And yes, F Cancer. Awful 🙁

    I have registered for exactly 2 races. 2. I have no fall race at all. I haven’t really been running though which also makes me feel off. So I get it a little bit.

    Big hugs, hope it gets better soon.

  • Jennifer Pug Pug

    I’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now. Cancer is a big, fat a-hole. You’re not alone in that.

    In regards to everything else, give yourself a bit of a break. It’s ok to get off track from time to time. You’ll get yourself back.

  • Kathryn Thayer

    I’m so sorry to hear about the rough patch you’re going through right now. Just remember to take care of yourself, whether that’s making time for a shortened workout, treating yourself to something, whatever it is that might help you right now.

  • No other way to put it. Cancer sucks. And it takes its toll on good people and their families.
    Hope things get better for you.
    I don’t know how you fit it all …with works kids and running , etc.

  • Esther McNary

    You are so right about cancer! Sending prayers for people in your life affected.

    Those cupcakes look really yummy! But…back to clean eating 🙂

    No matter what races you do, you are training for YOU! 🙂