I am worth the effort
When I was training for Berlin Marathon and the summer was sucking the soul out of me, I thought that I had hit rock bottom. I was struggling to run sub-14 min/mile, struggling at anything over 90-100 minutes of running (which at my pace is only 6-8 miles) while training for a marathon. The last few weeks leading up to Berlin was the biggest thought of HOW in the world was I going to run for 6 hrs if I struggled to run just 1.5 hours.
After I held it together at Berlin Marathon, I came back full of enthusiasm to run strong in cold weather. I did fall sick a bit (my post-marathon bout) but soon picked my routine back up, with the added Orangetheory classes (8 classes/month package). At 8 weeks after Berlin and 5 weeks after sickness, you’d think that I would be back to running strong.
But …
I am struggling. AGAIN.
It started out as being “too cold” to run when the cold winter wave moved in after summer before Fall had a chance. But then moved to the territory of struggling to breathe while running even with perfect running temperatures.
My weight has crept up (HOW HOW HOW) and I am officially the heaviest I’ve been in almost 8 years. With the added lbs on the scale, my belly looks like it is 7 months pregnant. I put away ALL my clothes and had to buy new sizedup clothes. Even my sports bra is too tight!
The red pinstripe in this photo was bought 2 years ago and I CANNOT EVEN GET THE ENDS TO TOUCH now!!!
My race photos, which used to be my pride with smiles and pride, is something I’m turning away from. And that – THAT is NOT ok with me. I love my race photos and make it a point to smile and I usually have good photos.
These photos are my most recent race photos taken in November, August and September of 2019.
Smyrna Village 10k 
Alien Half Marathon 
Berlin Marathon
These photos were taken in 2017 when I was at my running best in Oct 2017, March 2018 and April 2018 (2 days before my injury manifested itself)
Marine Corps Marathon 2017 
Cochran Mill Trail 
Teardrop Half
Strava tells me that I average 5.5 hrs of training/week. I hate hate hate hate being slow even after putting in so much training. ALL I want to do is to be able to run with friends for once instead of always being the loner because I can’t keep up.
Something needs to change. I need to change. My attitude needs to change. My discipline needs to change.
I can’t live in this viciousness of beating myself up. And I know that I won’t stop beating myself or stop trying to better myself.
Accountability
I believe that I know what is needed to be done. Nutrition is KEY along with lifting and cardio. I only have one of the three covered. I have been making efforts to get down to the others as well.
And I shall – I am worth the effort. I am worth the love. If nothing else, I will not let go without a fight. Hence starts my accountability right here.
I will write TWICE a week about my food (7 days is too long to go), one as a food log/meal prep and another as a share of a recipe that I tried, even if its one that everyone knows. Writing it and having to take a photo will keep me accountable.
Why write it here instead of finding a buddy?
Because I’ve often found it difficult to talk to someone about WHY I made the choice I did and so .. I lie. But I cannot lie to myself, I know what I’m putting in my mouth and I shall be accountable.
I am worth the effort. Let’s see where it takes me.
No more Ms. Nice to myself
I am not going to be “nice” to myself and give myself the permission to eat my feelings. I am worth investing the effort into being who I want to be, and if that is someone who can run a min/mile faster, then I AM worth taking the effort to try to be that.
