It is not you. It is me.
I seem to have this relationship with you where I’ve wanted to go out with you and then pulled back, then wanted to go out and hesitated again, and then … you get the drift.
When I first started on a journey to loose my baby weight(which has since then turned into a journey to stay fit and do some crazy things along the way), I joined the Y and met with a “wellness coach”. What are your goals, she asked? At that time, my goal was to do a triathlon. I did not know the distance of the event or anything else beyond the fact that a Tri was swim-bike-run. I then trained for and met you the first time in a sprint. However, for various reasons (a superfluous one being the lack of a medal), I choose not to go back again; instead focusing on going the marathon distance. I then became addicted to that and continued on to do more.
Last training cycle however, my body was so fatigued and I was so mentally drained with all the running through issues I was having to do inorder to finish Little Rock that I thought back to you again. Cross-training and time off my legs should do me some good, I thought. And you beckoned me once more.
However, this time, I didn’t look at you with innocent eyes. I have observed people put real hard work into their relationship with you, checked out some smashing training schedules, conflicted with my continued desire to run with my group, and with school aged kids who demand more attention than they did as infants/toddlers, I am overwhelmed. Instead of making me more efficient at managing my time and training, the thought of having to do 3 sports + strength training + yoga/stretching is making me retreat into a shell. And the adventures of purchasing a bike! Whew!
In short, while I’d like to go out with you eventually, I am not excited at the thought right now. Not while I have so many things I need to work on first. I have almost zero strength (core or otherwise), my run speed is nowhere where it was last fall and I need to build up to that. I’m still struggling as a mother to accomodate the kids school schedules with my work life and also try to be supportive to a husband who is almost always working and is himself training for his first 70.3 Augusta.
One looks for excuses where the heart is not there, and I think I’m looking for excuses too. I recognize the goodness that tri-training can do for my body. I am just not ready to take on that extra commitment.
It’s not you. It’s me.
I hope one day I can go out with you and see how well we do together.
– Smitha ‘FauxRunner’ (Not yet ‘Faux-Triathlete’)
ps: As soon as I decided that I was out of reckoning for IronGirl (May 19th), I felt like a load was lifted off my shoulders. I may have chickened out after being overwhelmed, but training for any event must be a combination of joy and excitement (for me those feelings provide far more motivation than anything else). Training should not be a chore that I dread doing, and race day should definitely not hold you in a state of hyperventilating panic!
But this is a double-edged sword; I am now not able to get over my guilt (for the lack of a better word) at DNS. Giving up is not something I do, and by giving up even attempting to start IronGirl, I am not able to enjoy that de-stress that the decision brought me.
And … sadly this year, this is not the first event that has caught my fancy, but I’ve let go of it after a bit. My training/workouts hasn’t let up, but that goal race has flip-flopped around a lot.
Have you been so overwhelmed with something that giving it up made a ton of difference? How did you deal with the disappointment/guilt of not being able to do it?
What do you think about my decision to give up on IronGirl? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill and I should’ve stuck to it?